I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize