Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
