This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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