This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
