Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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