I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
