I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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