im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
