im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My brain says no but my pants say off.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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