a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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