I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
