Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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