I CAN MOONWALK!
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
