I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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