Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
