We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
