How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
