I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
