I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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