if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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