I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
