I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
