I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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