I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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