I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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