shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
