Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I want her autograph on my taint
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
