I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
