Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
