I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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