You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
