Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
