You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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