I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
