Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
