did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
