I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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