Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
