I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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