The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
