also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
