Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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