if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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