Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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