i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
