"it" just moved
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
