Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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