btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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