Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
