btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize