I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
