the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i came on her dog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
