I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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