dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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