The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
it hurts more in the daytime
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
