My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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