oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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