Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
