Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
