one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
