I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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