If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
